This is the most difficult question in the world. I have been struggling what that question since this all started. Does anyone really know what they want? How do they figure it out? I haven’t figured it out yet.
I’m 39.
I’m not young but I’m not old either. I’m the middle of my life, but I would hestitate to call myself middle-aged. The first four decades flew by so fast making everyone happy, seeking consensus instead of making hard choices. It made me happy to do what made others happy. But then I realized that I wasn’t happy. Now what?
All I have to show is a bunch of “accomplishments” and a bunch of questions about what to do next. What is the thing that will make this all worth it?
I didn’t get the awareness. I didn’t let myself flail. I didn’t let myself fail.
I didn’t spend more time on the beach with sand between my toes.
I didn’t sleep with more people back when I was young, skinny, cute, and single. I was cute. Nobody told me that, but I was.
I didn’t go to Europe, or Asia, or South America. I didn’t go back to Africa, the last place where every day felt like magic.
I didn’t do all the jobs. I wasn’t a bartender. I didn’t write the blog. I didn’t host the podcast. I didn’t do all the things I suspected I could have done if I just tried. I didn’t push myself.
I know what I don’t want.
I don’t want to be constantly almost out of money.
I don’t want to be tired.
I don’t want to feel like I am dragging a dead horse.
I want to have nice shit.
I want nice trips
i want a nice house.
I want to get up in the morning and jump of out bed ready to face everything.
I want to share my numbers without shame.
I want to wake up every morning pinching myself how lucky I am to have everything I have.
